The Hat of Fate
by petalene
Summary: Mr Schue wants to use the hat of fate to pick a song for the end of year assembly. Too bad some of the song suggestions are completely inappropriate. Kurt/Blaine. Fill for the GKM.


This is a fill for the Glee Kink Meme. Original prompt is at the end of the story. Rated M for language, talking, thinking and singing about sex, but no actual sex. Song used is Jack Sparrow by Lonely Island. This will make more sense if you listen to the song first. The song has lots of swearing so let's be sensible about where we listen to it. I do not own Glee or Jack Sparrow. Brittany's last line is borrowed from Harry on 3rd Rock From he Sun. If you recognize it from anywhere else, it isn't mine. This was written for fun.

I looked at my watch again. Damn it, I was early for picking Kurt up from school. Really early. We'd had a short day at Dalton because it was the last day of school for us, but in my excitement to see Kurt, I was at McKinley way too soon. I knew he was in glee right now so I wandered over to the choir room. I doubted they were doing anything important. School would be ending for them a week from today.

I felt like a bad spy movie as I peeked in the window. Mercedes smiled and waved at me while nudging Kurt. He had looked angry, but the smile that lit up his face when he saw me made my heart melt. He gestured for me to come in.

Rachel pointed at me and yelled, "Spy! Mr. Schue, make him leave."

The entire glee club, including the teacher, rolled their eyes. "Rachel, I'm pretty sure everyone in here knows who I am," I said. "I sang with you guys at prom a few weeks ago." I glanced around the room. Yeah, this is completely ridiculous. Just to be a smartass I said, "Hi, I'm Blaine, Kurt's boyfriend. I'm not here to spy. Everyone knows you wear bondage shorts and knee high boots to scope out the other show choirs."

Kurt laughed. Brittany looked confused. Rachel was annoyed.

Rachel crossed her arms. "He's going to tell all the Warblers what we'er singing and they'll steal our ideas."

"The Warblers wouldn't steal songs. And I would never do something like that to Kurt."

Santana started muttering in Spanish about how she'd say Kurt had me pussy whipped except I was clearly the girl on the relationship. What is wrong with Mr. Schue? He's the Spanish teacher for god's sake. He really shouldn't be letting her talk like that, especially because I'm probably not the only person who understood her. I glanced over at Kurt. Yep, my boyfriend knew exactly what she was saying.

"Blaine, I need your help with something." There was a sing-song tone to his voice that made me nervous. "Mr. Schue, can I explain what's going on to him?"

"Yeah sure, but your still going sing the song."

Kurt smiled at the teacher. If Kurt smiled at me like that, I'd stop what I was doing immediately. And then back away slowly. But the teacher looked oblivious and I had a strong feeling I wasn't going to like whatever was happening.

"Long story short," Kurt started, "Mr. Schue had us put a song we want to suggest for the end of year school assembly on a slip of paper and put it in the hat of fate. We then draw someone else slip our and preform the song. This is to get us out of our box, try something new, blah, blah, blah."

"Ok. That sounds like fun," I said. And then I thought about it for a moment. Kurt was clearly pissed about something. "What's wrong with your song?"

"Look, dude," Finn started, "I know you don't want to do a Michael Bolton song-"

"-don't call me dude, Finn."

"Whatever, Kurt," he continued, "but I just sang 'Going to Wash That Man Out of My Hair' so I really don't think it's fare if you dont have to sing yours. Besides you pulled a Disney song."

I ran through several movie soundtracks until I had it. "Ah," I said. "I guess 'Go the Distance' isn't really your style."

Kurt snorted. "If only that was my problem. Here." He handed me the slip of paper. I looked at the messy scrawl and read 'Jack Sparrow by Lonely Island and Michael Bolton.'

I could feel the corners of my mouth twitching. This was NOT a Disney song. Not even close. Even if you took out the half dozen F words. Kurt was glaring at me when I lost it and started laughing. I tried to stop. "The teacher wants you to sing this song?" I managed to get out.

"It's not funny!" Kurt insisted. "Do you have any idea what's going to happen if I sing this?" Kurt glared at means I continued to chuckle. I'd start to feel like I was getting a grip on myself and then I would imaging Kurt singing the graphic lyrics and I'd be giggling again.

While I tried to get myself under control, Kurt turned to the teacher. "I'll sing the song, as long as you understand I feel this song is inappropriate and I objected several times and no one would listen. And this song has two parts and could use some additional back up, so I can't do it by myself."

"Pick who ever you want as long as it isn't the person who recomended the song. Do you want to go Monday or Tuesday?"

"Oh, I'm going now," said Kurt. "I am giving this song as much prep as it deserves so I'm going on in five minuets."

Mr. Schue wisely decided not to argue with Kurt.

My boyfriend grabbed my wrist and dragged me over to a cubbard in the corner of the room. He opened it up and began sifting through all sorts of odd stuff.

"What's all this?" I asked.

"Mostly costume pieces and props from performances." There was a mobster gun, wigs-most were normal colors and one was purple, plastic bubbles, boxes, a pink cowboy hat and some very colorful dresses. "And I have no clue on the rubber snake. The pirate hat is from when Brittany dressed up for Talk Like A Pirate Day last year," he said setting several items aside.

Kurt wrote CHOCOLATE on one of the boxes in sharpie. He handed me the box, a blonde wig, the gun and then put the pirate hat on my head. "Come on Michael Bolton. We have a show to put on."

"Whoa! Why am I performing with you? I'm not a student here. Isn't that breaking the rules or something?"

"I can't sing it alone. Besides, you said this sounds like fun." Kurt had that smile on his face again. The one that should have had me running away screaming.

"Give me one good reason why I should?"

"I'll give you ten minuets to prove me wrong," he said softly. I just looked at him. I have no idea what he's talking about. "There's something you've been wanting to try and when you've suggested it, I told you it kind of squicked me out. But you do this for me and I will give you ten uninterrupted minuets to prove that I'll enjoy it as much as much as you say I will."

My mouth went dry. I suddenly knew exactly what he was talking about. Two weeks ago, I had been kissing down Kurt's spine. When I'd tried to move a little lower so I could rim him, he made it clear that it wasn't going to happen. I had casually brought it up twice since and gotten a similar reaction. I was careful not to push or pressure Kurt, especially when it came to anything sexual. Even if most of the Warblers called us Fufu and Thumper because according to them, we're always going at it like rabbits.

"Yeah, ok. Anything you want," I said quickly. Ten minuets. I could definitely convince him rimming was fantastic with ten minuets. "What's the plan?"

"You are sings Michael Bolton's part. Ham it up. I want to show Mr Schue that he should listen to me. There isn't any swearing for you till the very end. He'll probably stop us the first time I say 'Fuck.' But the deal stands even if he cuts us off."

Kurt had me lay out my supplys on the piano top and he went to speak with Artie for a few moments. He then talked to Brittany, briefly, and came up to the front of the room with a baggie of...white powder? "Uhm, Kurt? What is that?" I gestures to the stuff Kurt was dumping out into a pile on the piano.

Brittany's cookies," Kurt said with a sigh. "She...skipped a few steps. Its mostly flour-no wet ingredients. You need some drugs." He told me to get my sunglasses and set the hat next to the wig and gun. "Let's wow the class."

"You and Artie need some groupies," I said suddenly. I leaned over and whispered in his ear "It'll really piss the teacher off if you sex it up." Kurt wanted enthusiasm, that's just what he's gonna get.

Kurt and Artie were wearing sunglasses with Brittany and Santana draped over them. I had on my pink ones. I had been waiting for my boyfriend to protest, but he was too focused on getting everyone ready. Kurt let me know that he and Artie had divided up their parts so that only Kurt would be swearing until the very end. And the music started.

Santana was sitting in Arties lap and Brittany was grinding up against Kurt. She looked like she wanted to rip Kurt's clothes off and have sex with him on the floor. I understand the feeling. We started singing.

Uhhh, Lonely Island, Michael Bolton

Yeah!

The night starts now

Together on the track, the boys are back

The night starts now

Night starts now baby roll with us, chickens snapping at the neck when we rollin' up.

ROLLIN' UP

Blow through the doors ain't no holdin' up

YEAH

Black card at the bar like I gives a fuck.

COME ON

Ladies shifty eyed when we walk into the set, fuck the fellas looking jealous play the back and get wet

YEAH YEAH

Three pound in my waist, shank in my sock, you either get cut, get stuffed or get shot.

I put the pirate hat on my head and if I was going to do this, I was going to go all out. I spread my arms out and twirled while I sang.

THIS IS THE TALE OF CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, PIRATE SO BRAVE ON THE SEVEN SEAS

What?

A MYSTICAL QUEST TO THE ISLE OF TORTUGA, RAVEN LOCKS SWAY ON THE OCEAN'S BREEZE.

Yeah that was kinda weird, but we're back in the club

Buying up the bar so the groupies show us love

KIERA KNIGHTLY

Mother fucking ice-man, I'm the top gunner

Heater on blast, I'm the number one stunner

JACK SPARROW

Watch it girl cause I ain't your "Mr. Nice Guy",

More like the "meet ya take you home and fuck you twice guy"

YEAH YEAH!

All dressed up with nowhere to run,

And now I make you feel crazy with -

I came up behind them and put my arms around their shoulders.

NOW BACK TO THE GOOD PART:

FROM THE DAY HE WAS BORN, HE YEARNED FOR ADVENTURE

Noooo

OLD CAPTAIN JACK GIVING THEM WHAT FOR.

HE'S THE PAUPER OF THE SURF

huh

THE JESTER OF TORTUGA

oh God

BUT IS DAVY JONES' LOCKER WHAT LIES IN STORE?

Yeah, we've seen the movie

Throw your hands in the air and say hell yeah, come on

CAPTAIN JACK

What?

JOHNNY DEPP

No

From the front to the back say we count stacks come on

DAVY JONES

Nope

GIANT SQUID

Wrong

Michael Bolton we're really gonna need you to focus up

I moved over to the piano. And while I sang the next line I set the hat down near the gun and grabbed the white box. The word chocolate was upside down so I quickly flipped the box over.

ROGER THAT LET ME TRY IT WITH ANOTHER FILM

Wait-

LIFE IS A BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND MY NAME IS FORREST GUMP

Not better

THOUGH I'M NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED, I GIVE JENNY ALL OF MY LOVE

I dropped the box and jammed the wig on my head. I could tell it was on crocked, but I didn't have time to fix it.

Come on!

OK THEN I'M A LEGAL AIDE, ERIN BROCKOVICH IS MY NAME

Noooo, God

I pulled he wig off and picked up the gun. I scooped up some of the flour and let it fall through my fingers.

THEN YOU CAN CALL ME SCARFACE, SNORTIN MOUNTAINS OF COCAINE

close enough

YOU COCKROACHES WANNA PLAY ROUGH? OKAY, I'M RELOADED

I waved the gun around pretending to shoot he ceiling. I kept waiting for the teacher to put a stop to the song, his mouth was open and he was shell shocked.

THIS IS THE TALE OF TONY MONTANYA

CUBANO FLAME, WITH THE MIAMI NUTS

Take it home!

GOT A BASEHEAD WIFE, BUT HER WOMB IS POLLUTED

THIS WHOLE TOWN'S A PUSSY, JUST WAITING TO GET FUCKED!

Okaaaay, turns out Michael Bolton is a major cinephile

As Artie sang his last line, I grabbed Kurt twirled him and then dipped him down. And I ment the next words I sang, even if it was cheesy.

YOU COMPLETE ME!

I kissed him. I intended to make it quick, but he slid his tougne into my mouth and moaned softly. I could fell myself getting hard thinking about what Kurt was going to let me do to him. I started to break the kiss, but Kurt pulled me closer. One hand was in my hair at the base of my neck, holding my mouth against his. Sliding one hand down to my ass, Kurt started grinding his hips against mine.

"Wanky," yelled Santana.

"Get some, white boy," said Mercedes.

"Get a room," said Finn. "No really. Please get a room. That isn't this one."

This was getting too intense for at school. I ended the kiss and stood him back up so we could take our bows.

Most of the class was cheering. And then Puck said, "I didn't think anyone would have the balls to sing that. You have my respect, man." He leaned over from his seat in the front row and gave Kurt a fist bump.

Finn looked worried. "Um, is Michael Bolton supposed to start making out with one of the singers?"

"Yep," said Kurt, "They have sex on the deck of the boat." I have no idea how he said that without laughing. "Really loud, really gay, pirate sex."

"That was hot," Brittany said with a smile. "You should totally do that for the assembly."

"Thank you, Brittany." Kurt had that smile on his face again. "So, Mr. Schue, I think we should have Finn sing Michael Bolton's part. He was very insistent I sing this song. We'll need to work on the timing with the props. Blaine, you had a little trouble with your wig so Finn will need to practice that part. And we also need a baby doll for the Erin Brocavitch line if we're going to do this right. The word 'fuck' is in the song a few times so we can probably cause another sex riot-"

"Okay, Kurt," Mr Schue yelled. I giggled at how flustered the teacher sounded. "You made your point. And Puck, that was completely inappropriate for a song suggestion."

"Yeah, whatever. Kurt and everybody rocked the song so it was totally worth it," said Puck who gave the performers a thumbs up.

"So," Kurt said grabbing his bag, "we have to go. I promised Blaine something in return for helping and he earned ten minuets."

"Ten minuets of what?" asked Brittany.

"You don't want to know," Kurt deadpanned.

"Oh." Britany sounded confused. "Then why'd I ask?"

End

Original Prompt

I would like to see Kurt and Blaine singing together for a Glee assignment. Either something really innaproperiate with lots of swearing and sex or something innocent like a Disney song that they make sound dirty. They get super turned on and rush home for sex.

Do want:

-grinding, groping, kissing, ect during the song

-the the song to fit whatever wacky thing Mr. Schue is assigning this week

Do not want:

-heavy kinks like vore, scat, watersports, ect.

-sex at school

Extra bonus points:

-One of the boys bribes the other with something sexual to get him to agree about performing the son


End file.
